Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
