That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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