I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
