I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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