i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
