I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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