made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
