life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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