Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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