I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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