Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I think my fart just growled at me.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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