I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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