Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
