My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
