Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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