This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i now understand why vodka
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
