Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
