When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
