I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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