Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
