No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
