I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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