My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
