You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So much rum. So many feels.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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