I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
