P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
