Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
