So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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