I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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