You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
