not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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