I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
