I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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