i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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