I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
