areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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