I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
