How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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