When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
