OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
