I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
