worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
