Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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