I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The adults are the big ones right?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
