She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
