she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
