Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
