I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
