Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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