Swine flu is the new snow day.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
