Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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