Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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