so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
