Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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